Galeria das Bonecas (56)

 I feel self-conscious wandering the alleys, killing time until Rita and Vera decide we should leave town. It wasn’t my plan, but it beats sitting on a park bench and watching the clouds. I just hope I don’t stand out too much. I draw a contrast to when I walked through Lisbon’s Alfama Quarter. There, the locals learned to endure the hordes of tourists gawking at them. In Belmonte, which isn’t much of a draw unless you’re Jewish or Israeli, people might be more sensitive to the presence of foreigners.

It’s still early in the weekend, so not much is happening. Only a few people are out, and the places that are already open are empty of customers. I turn into a narrow alley and find a courtyard with round tables, umbrellas, and trees shading empty chairs. At the far end, a short flight of stairs leads to a stone building with the door open. A sign by the door indicates that it’s a gallery of dolls, listing art classes and the dates of an upcoming puppet show. Although nothing gives me the impression that the gallery is open, I decide to enter. Worst case, they’ll ask me to leave.

A bearded man in a black flat cap greets me from behind a table covered with hand-painted ceramics and waves me in to look around. Inside, a song by a famous Brazilian singer is playing. I decide to say something about it and see what happens. 

“Cê gosta de Zé Ramalho?” I ask, using my best Portuguese accent. 

He stops twisting copper wire, raises his eyes, and studies me for a few seconds.

“You know Zé Ramalho?” he asks in perfect Brazilian Portuguese, which I could understand in my sleep.

“Conheço as músicas dele,” I say, smiling.

“Brasileira?” he asks. 

That’s what I love about Brazilians. In the U.S., people ask where I’m from the second I open my mouth. Brazilians assume I’m one of them. 

“In my heart,” I answer, in Portuguese, my canned response to the question when posed by Brazilians. And for a moment, my old self emerges from somewhere, reminding me of who I used to be before I was sucked into Rita and Vera’s orbit. A lighter and calmer, less paranoid version of me.

He asks how I learned Portuguese; I tell him I lived in Rio many years ago. It’s only part of the story, but all I’m ready to share. The conversation drifts where I hoped: connecting with a local, even if he was a transplant from another Portuguese-speaking country. He’s the second Brazilian I’ve met who lives and works here, aside from the tourists in Lisbon and the woman last night. 

He says he’s from Minas Gerais. “Have you been to Minas?” he asks, like a real Brazilian, dropping “Gerais.”

“Yes, more than once,” I’m happy to say. I have friends who live near Caparao National Park. I hiked with them to the waterfalls, but not all the way to the top. He’s impressed. I’m almost a peer now. He knows the area and has even camped there. 

“Why leave Brazil? It’s so much more fun,” I say, not to pry, just to show how I feel.

Fortunately, he’s not offended. He gets up and joins me by a shelf lined with whimsical handmade dolls made of colorful fabrics and beads. One of the dolls fell against another, so he picks her up and leans her against the wall. If I knew anything about making dolls, I’d ask about the artist. But I’m not crafty, so I don’t take the bait, if that’s what he’s trying to do. 

As he rearranges the dolls, he tells me that he was an English teacher at a college in Belo Horizonte, but he grew tired of it and decided to try his luck in Portugal. “It’s easy to make friends here,” he says. “The only problem is that Belmonte is a small town, so there’s not much going on,” he adds, handing me a business card with the name of the artist who made the dolls.

“She owns the gallery,” he explains. “I help run it when she’s in Lisbon.”

I can’t help but wonder if he needs a special permit to work here like other non-EU residents. Unfortunately, I can’t ask. It would be even worse than asking why he left Brazil. So I slip the card into my pocket and keep my mouth shut. Maybe I’ll return to Belmonte one day and meet this artist, and who knows what may come of it.

“I thought about teaching here, but the paperwork was too much,” he says in English, as if he could read my mind. “Then someone introduced me to Mirele.”

“I’d love to meet her one day,” I respond in English. 

“Meet who?” Rita’s voice quacks behind me.

Of course, she has to appear out of nowhere and interrupt this blissful moment. I shouldn’t entertain any illusions of connecting with people without her barging into the conversation and taking over. I should be grateful and graciously clear the stage because I’m the warm-up and she’s the headliner.

I don't bother to answer her question since the name is inconsequential. Besides, the Brazilian has already turned to greet her and respond to the flood of compliments she showers on the beautiful little gallery.

While she soaks up all of the man’s attention, I sulk in a corner by a display of jewelry. My part is done, and whatever spark there was dissolves into nothing as always. I tell myself: Let Rita be Rita. I’ll be me. I can endure a few more days, learning my lessons, discovering my limits, and practicing humility.

In the background, Rita has chosen a doll that reminds her of her sister. She giggles as she shows the doll, whose arms are made of decorative teaspoons, to Vera. Vera is not sure about the similarities, but agrees that it’ll be a nice gift as long as Rita doesn’t say that it looks like Sigal. 

I watch Rita follow the Brazilian to the table by the door, where he gift-wraps the doll. She asks him if he sells leather bracelets like the one on his wrist. 

“No,” he says. He got that one in Brazil. 

I leave the gallery and wait for her and Vera in the empty courtyard. I’m beyond relieved she didn’t try to negotiate the price down. And I refuse to watch her perform the schtick she does whenever she meets a Brazilian, and pretend that it’s cute.

Belmonte: Terra De Tolerancia (55)

After a quick stop at Hotel Sinai to return the keys to the trusting front desk attendant, we find a charming café with a patio surrounded by flowering potted plants. This time, I order a galão like a local, sparing the barista the confusion over my request for espresso and then for milk. I also order for Rita and Vera, so Rita will quit worrying that I’m plotting to skip paying my share of gas. She began hinting at it when we were leaving Porto. Don’t ask me why. It has nothing to do with reality. Maybe an after-effect of Anna’s departure. 

When the barista brings the coffee, Rita announces she’s looking for a place to stay in Tomar.

“What’s in Tomar?” Vera asks.

“Simone’s nephew,” she says, eyes still on her phone.

“How far is it?” Vera persists because that’s what she does.

 
“A couple of hours. We still have time to walk around. Check in at four,” Rita says.

“There’s a Jewish museum here. We can see if it’s open,” I say. The tuk-tuk guy in Lisbon mentioned a museum, and since we’re here, why not? I just hope an idea from me won’t trigger Rita like it did in Porto when I suggested another restaurant. Vera’s stupid comment earlier was more than enough. 
To my surprise, Rita puts down the phone and agrees. Maybe it’s not the worst idea. 

“Is it close enough to walk?” Vera asks, the ever-practical link in the chain.

A glance at the tourist map shows it’s only a short walk away. We leave the café and find the museum in one of the narrow alleyways in the old part of town, where laundry hangs outside to dry and green moss grows between old cobblestones. The museum, with its Jewish color scheme, is open even though it’s Shabbat.

This is the first museum we visit in Portugal. And the last one, for sure. Museums were not on the itinerary from the start. Rita has little patience for them, unless they are so famous that tourists must visit despite the high risk from pickpockets and a painful entrance fee. Otherwise, museums slow down momentum, require the ability to focus, and provide no interactions with people or merchandise. A lethal combination for fun seekers.

To be honest, I don’t expect much. I just want to get a feel for the place. Maybe we’ll see something interesting. The community here is quite small anyway and doesn’t seem to have many resources. Still, I appreciate the thought of building a center for learning about the history of Belmonte’s Jewish community. At least the books at the entrance appear promising if you can read Portuguese. The rest is standard Jewish paraphernalia, pretty but not groundbreaking.

Rita and Vera vanish into a side gallery as soon as we enter the main exhibit. I take my time to read some labels beside the pictures and objects on display. I suddenly realize this is the most educational phase of the trip. Digging into the past of Portugal’s Crypto Jews, learning how they practiced the traditions behind thick walls and dark curtains. There are even pictures of religious artifacts that the women used throughout the centuries and passed to their daughters, who learned to perform rituals in secret until they became almost unrecognizable.

Seeing all this makes me sad, not satisfied, even though a happy ending came five hundred years later, like Vera’s survival during the war in Europe. She came out of it alive, but the trauma remained buried until it resurfaced later in life in the form of night terrors. I wonder if she sees any parallels between her experience and this story. Probably not. It might be too painful to think about. For me, it’s a reminder of what could have happened in my lifetime, but didn’t, thanks to the sheer luck of being born elsewhere, under different circumstances. And I’m grateful for being lucky for once. As for Rita, I don’t think she would reflect on it. Why think about heavy stuff that makes you sad? Life is short and we must enjoy every minute because every day can be the last. Blah blah blah. Tell me something I don’t know.

With these thoughts swirling in my head, I go outside to meet the two of them and see what’s next. A great conversation about the meaning of being Jewish? I doubt it. Rita wants to explore the antique stores we passed on our way to the museum, and Vera is happy to plod along. We decide to meet at the car in an hour, and off I go to explore the narrow alleys on my own, again.

Losing My Cool (54)

With Rita taking over the conversation, all bells and whistles and jewelry dangling from every extremity, I retreat to finish packing and tidying up my room. I don’t leave a mess for those who clean up after me. I always remember the proletariat. From inside my room, I hear laughter and Rita’s broken English asking how much to pay. The driver murmurs something, and then a metal door slams shut, the engine starts, and the van drives away. 

Rita pokes her head in to say she’ll bring the car to the front door to spare Vera the walk with the luggage. “Then we can look for a place to have coffee near the hotel,” she suggests.

“Great idea,” I say. 

She deserves credit for thinking of all the details. And I need to appear more cooperative after leaving her and Vera at that stuffy bar last night. Skipping breakfast in Porto could pass as laziness, but leaving after they’d ordered dinner might have felt like a provocation. No need for more drama. I think we’ve had enough of it. My challenge is to end this trip on a positive note, keep grudges buried, and deal with them later on firmer ground. 

I finish tidying up the room: the sink is clean, the trash is in the bin, and the towels are on the rack. I roll my carry-on outside to wait for Rita. Vera joins me with her luggage on the pavement, ready to conquer the day or at least the first two hours. If we’d been staying in the same house, she would have walked with me earlier. But today I was selfish, and I took advantage of the situation to walk by myself. 

“How was your room? Did you sleep well?” I ask to quell my somewhat guilty conscience. It’s the polite thing to do. Engage in meaningless small talk. “It was fine,” she recites her usual generic response. Good. I just want to make sure the atmosphere is congenial, with no hard feelings about last night. 

When Rita pulls up in front of us, I help Vera lift her carry-on into the trunk and then load mine. 

“I’m going to stop at the hotel first,” Rita says, heading up the stone stairs to collect her stuff and lock up. 

That’s right. We’re following the honor system here. Not skipping town without paying for the rooms, even if it might tempt some people. 

While we wait for Rita, I decide to go back in and make a final sweep. “I’m going to step in and check that I didn’t leave my phone charger,” I say to Vera. 

“Ah,” she shrugs without looking at me. “Then leave it. If you forgot, you forgot.” 

Jesus Christ! What do you even mean, “If you forgot, you forgot?” I’m still here. I just need to step inside for a minute. People always do this when they check out. It’s not a sign of a mental disorder. Chargers are the most forgettable objects. You want me to leave it behind just because you don’t think I should check? Will you buy me one if I leave it here? You’re driving me insane. I could strangle you. I’ve been patient, respectful, helpful, friendly, and this is what I get? Damn it! 

Of course, none of this comes out of my mouth. Instead, I say, “It will only take a minute,” like the grown-up I pretend to be, and take a deep breath to slow down my heart. 

I check the outlets, under the bed, and under the blanket. Nothing. I lock the door and return to the car’s backseat. Still fuming. Because Vera already occupies the front. Peaceful, unaware of the storm she’s caused.

Pão de Sal (53)

Since I arrived in Portugal, every morning had started with some unexpected drama. But today, I can simply open the door and step into the street without pretending, inviting, or watching a bizarre scene unfold before me. The neighborhood looks the same as it did last night, except that I now notice Umberto’s other properties. They have brass plaques by their doors with the names of Jews he wanted to immortalize, Don this, Dona that, with a brief description of who they were. The old quarter is so small that I can walk it in fifteen minutes. I snap a few photos of the alleys with the mountain range peeking between the houses, then turn back to my room to finish packing.

When I reach Casa Dona Branca, I see a woman in a pink robe standing at a doorway next to mine. She’s probably in her eighties and looks far less “widowy” than the woman I met yesterday. Her white hair is not covered by anything black, and her feet are secured in fluffy green slippers. In short, she looks cozy and comfortable, part of the scenery, unbothered by the cold air. I suddenly realize I hadn’t considered that people lived next door, which is silly. Of course, people live here, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t run into someone.

“Bom dia, senhora,” I say when I’m close enough for her to hear me. Behind her, a man’s voice on the radio drifts out, mingling with the clink of dishes.

The woman asks me if I spent the night next door. I tell her that I arrived yesterday and that I’m a friend of the owner, Umberto. “Do you know him?” I ask, excited that she understands my Portuguese and is open to talking.

Yes, she knows him, and more than that. The room I’m staying in, and the upstairs where Rita and Vera are staying, were part of her family home, and she was the one who sold them to him. Her older sister, who lives with her now, but is not feeling well, was against splitting the house and selling the rooms, but they needed the money.

I’m not sure how we got here, but I’m amazed by my luck. I went out for a stroll and now I’m talking to a woman who can tell me things I’ll never find in a tourist brochure. It feels like an out-of-body experience. Part of me converses with her, part watches us from outside in disbelief, and another prays that Rita and Vera stay in bed and let me continue the conversation.

Her family lived in this house for generations, she says.

“I learned about Belmonte only recently,” I say.

She’s easy to talk to. I only have to nod or express curiosity, and she responds, volunteering details without trying to impress me or accuse anyone. Maybe my questions make her remember things she hasn't thought about in a long time. Maybe that’s why she’s so open.

She tells me that her family escaped to France during the dictatorship, and she spent many years away from Belmonte. She married in France, and her children stayed there. But she grew up here. She walked these alleys as a kid and played with the Jewish kids outside. There was no hostility towards them. 

“They were just like us,” she reminisces. “They dressed like us, spoke like us. We knew them and their families until we left.” But no, she didn’t keep in touch with anyone.

I ask her how she found the house when she returned. She says it was empty and many things needed repair. Umberto helped her paint the walls and fix a leaking faucet, and when she found out he was buying properties in the neighborhood and fixing them, she suggested splitting her home and selling part of it. Her sister was against it, but they didn’t need such a big house, she explains.

I have to focus on understanding everything she says. She speaks at a normal pace, not slowing down for me, with an unfamiliar accent and some words I don’t recognize. But I get the story, and I’m floored by this encounter. This is the most interesting moment in my whole trip. I couldn’t have planned or imagined anything even close to what I’m experiencing here. Her openness feels like a small miracle. This is exactly what inspires me when I travel. Meeting people and hearing their stories. Connecting without expecting anything in return. I don’t volunteer much, though. Her story is much more interesting.

I have many more questions for her. I was amazed when she said her family escaped or left during the dictatorship. My Portuguese colleague at work had the same experience. So I can imagine what she went through. Leaving everything behind and becoming a refugee in a foreign country. Working jobs no one wants to do. Starting over from the bottom. I want to ask her about her life in France, but our conversation is interrupted. A white van pulls up in front of us. The driver, a middle-aged man wearing a dark blue apron, climbs down and greets us with a Bom Dia. He goes to the back of the van and opens the door. Inside, there are crates full of rolls and loaves of bread, some I recognize as pão de sal. Soft white bread that smells like heaven.

The last thing I expected. I thought he was a plumber or house painter, not a baker. 

It takes me a moment to realize the woman had been waiting for the van all along. She selects some rolls and a loaf, puts them in a plastic bag, and hands the driver a few coins from a small purse tucked into her robe. I ask the driver if I can buy bread, too. Maybe because he realizes from my accent that I am not a local, he forgives my idiocy. Of course, I can buy bread. That’s why he’s here. He’s not running a delivery service; it’s a mobile bakery. I want to tell him I’ve never seen anything like it before. But I don’t. I wonder, do they sell ice blocks and deliver bottles of milk to your door here? Which century is this?

I step inside to get my wallet. By the time I return and pay him, Rita opens the door and joins us on the pavement.

And just like that, one of my best moments in Portugal comes to an end. 

The Crypto-Jews of Belmonte (52)

Even though the pavement is flat and I can see the street ahead of me, my head is spinning with what I’ve been through since arriving in Belmonte. In a few hours, I communed with the ghosts of my Jewish past, including Umberto, my old roommate from Rio who became a secular rabbi. I was reluctantly allowed into a synagogue run by Jews who risked their lives for centuries to preserve their traditions. I held a siddur without knowing what to do with it. I met a Brazilian woman aspiring to become a Jew. And I watched two Israeli women ordering scrambled eggs and toast for Shabbat dinner.

What else should I expect?

I surprise myself at the ease with which I find Casa Dona Branca Dias. Belmonte is a small town, but at this hour, it is quiet and completely deserted. Even the quintessential cats who hunt in dark alleys after nightfall are nowhere to be seen. Luckily, I can navigate the streets without needing help from passersby or Google Maps. The main drag leads to the old neighborhood below the castle and to the street where small stone houses greet me without distractions. I even spot our rental car on the way, giving me confidence that I am on the right path.

As I open the door, I realize that Vera was right when she insisted I turn the heater on, though I won't admit it to her. All I need is to hear her say, “I told you so.”

The room feels warm and inviting, and its modern amenities signal to me that it is time to relax and enjoy my solitude. I decide on a cup of tea and a snack from the leftover food I bought in Porto, and connect to cyberspace to learn about Belmonte, just as I did in Porto, when I wanted to explore the sites I would miss on this trip.

The first thing I discover is just how little I know about the Jews of Belmonte. I thought Crypto-Jews and New Christians were interchangeable, describing the Jews who converted to Catholicism during the time of the Inquisition. I was wrong.

The New Christians were the Jews who converted to Christianity, either “voluntarily” or by force, during the Portuguese Inquisition, which began in 1497. They were also called Conversos, Marranos, or Anusim in Hebrew, meaning “the forced ones.” The Crypto-Jews were a subset of the New Christians, meaning “the hidden Jews.” These Jews practiced Christianity in public, but secretly maintained some Jewish beliefs and traditions, even though they had lost their sacred books and the Hebrew language. In Belmonte and a few other towns in Portugal, Crypto-Jews carved Christian symbols, especially crosses, into the stones beside their doorways to show loyalty to Christianity and protect themselves. Some of these carvings are still visible on the walls of Belmonte. Umberto once posted photos of these stone markings on his Facebook page, but I never understood what they meant or how they were connected to the Jews of Belmonte.

I also learn that the Jews of Belmonte were Crypto-Jews who had remained hidden until not that long ago, something I had already begun to suspect when we tried to enter the synagogue. Now I read that the Jews of Belmonte lived successfully under cover until 1917, when they were “discovered” by an outsider.

That outsider was Samuel Schwarz, a Jewish mining engineer from Poland who had been working in Portugal since the start of the First World War. At the time, the Jewish community in Lisbon had little interest in or sympathy for the New Christians. But Schwarz decided to investigate a rumor that the New Christians in Belmonte considered themselves Jewish and preserved some Jewish rituals. He traveled to Belmonte and met a local merchant who told him that he was a Jew and that his family had been secretly practicing Judaism. Other members of the community refused to reveal their secret to Schwarz until he recited the Sh’ma prayer (Sh’ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad). Only then did they reveal their Jewish identity to him. Or at least, that’s how the legend goes.

Schwarz studied the Crypto-Jews for several years and published a book describing their lives. He observed that the Crypto-Jews had no synagogue, rabbi, or Hebrew texts, which made sense considering the ubiquity of the Inquisition. But they celebrated a holiday that resembled Passover, lit Shabbat candles inside clay jars, and kept some kosher food practices at home, such as abstaining from pork. Their practices and traditions passed from one generation to the next through the women who conducted the rituals and taught them to their daughters. The men were not circumcised because it could have given their secret away, and the community married within itself for generations. They also lived in total isolation for centuries, believing they were the last Jews.

In the 1970s, the Belmonte Jews began to open up to the world. In 1989, the Jewish Community of Belmonte was established, and the Crypto-Jews officially “returned” to Judaism. The synagogue Bet Eliahu, which I visited earlier, was opened in 1996. The land on which it was built was donated by the heirs of a woman remembered as a “female rabbi,” and the construction was financed by a Moroccan Jew whose ancestors probably came from the area. Unsurprisingly, the majority of the young Jews of Belmonte left for Israel, and those who remained in town now practice Orthodox Judaism.

After learning all this, I feel differently about the men from the synagogue. I no longer think they are weird or impolite or mean. They are the direct descendant of the Crypto-Jews. Too bad I didn’t know any of this before I invaded their sanctuary. These guys lived in hiding for five centuries. They can’t be expected to change their ways just because some of the outside circumstances changed a few decades ago. The Inquisition can come back in the blink of an eye in one form or another from somewhere unpredictable. Nothing guarantees that it won’t. Hatred of Jews is deeply ingrained in Europe, and not only there. So I completely understand that the habits and skills acquired during centuries of hiding should not be discarded. The world has not proven itself to be a safe place for Jews just yet. 

 

Unfortunately, the synagogue is closed now, and I can’t go back to apologize to them. I’ll have to do my tikkun in another way.

A Smoky Bar on Friday Night (51)

At the next crosswalk, Frida stops to bid us goodbye. Rita tries to persuade her to join us for dinner, but Frida says she can't. She has too much to do tonight, hopefully nothing that involves cleaning or babysitting. Rita backs off and thanks her for helping us, suddenly turning into a model of politeness and generosity. I’m not sure what caused it, but I welcome the new development. We should leave a good impression after our bold invasion of the synagogue. 

Frida wishes us a nice rest of the trip and suggests we visit the local Jewish museum.

“We can do that,” Rita says.

I don’t know if she means it. She stopped being a fan of museums after traveling across Europe more times than she can count, but who knows? Maybe her curiosity has been piqued after our synagogue excursion. We’ll see how things go tomorrow. 

I thank Frida for helping me with the siddur and wish her luck with the rabbis.

“Thanks, I need it,” she says solemnly and wraps her shawl around her head. The skirt she’s wearing can’t keep her warm enough, even with thick wool tights underneath. 

She leaves us in front of a small garden after pointing in the direction we should continue. Now it is only the three of us, again, exploring the town in the dark.

“Why does she need luck with the rabbis? What did she do?” Rita asks out of the blue.

“She’s trying to convert.”

“Every person and his trauma,” Rita says dryly, using the Hebrew slang word “scratch” instead of trauma, painting Frida as a person with mental issues. Usually, the way she uses Hebrew slang makes me laugh, but I am not in a laughing mood. My feet are turning into icicles inside my boots, and the topic is not funny. I kind of feel sorry for Frida. I mean, if you are not converting for love, then why bother?

“Why does she want to convert?” Vera wants to know.

“She found a Jewish ancestor who might have been expelled from Portugal during the Inquisition.” I offer the short version that might make Frida look less “scratched.”

“And this makes her want to be Jewish?” Vera asks in disbelief. It sounds more like a rhetorical question. I guess if I said she was marrying someone Jewish or moving to Israel, it would make more sense.

“There are all kinds of people in the world,” Rita recites one of her favorite mantras, something she usually says when I ask her who buys the ugly stuff she sells at street fairs. 

She is right about the “all kinds of people.” She almost converted to Islam years ago when she dated an Arab Muslim man, but the negative social repercussions that threatened them both made her reconsider. Maybe a little pressure from both families also helped, so there is no need to dwell on this topic. Better to focus on finding a place to eat and getting away from this freezing wind.

“It looks like nothing is open,” Vera observes after a few minutes. 

I’d be happy to turn around and go back to the Airbnb where the heater is on and I can thaw my toes, but they want to keep on walking. After one more block, we come to a lit venue with a small awning above the glass door. Rita decides to check it out. Maybe they serve food there. 

We follow her inside. There are six bare wooden tables in the room. One table is occupied by three men who look like a combination of bodybuilders and construction workers, certainly not office dwellers or tourists. They are watching a soccer game on a flat TV hanging on the wall, drinking beer and smoking. 

Not a promising scenario. But I’m not going to start a debate about the merit of the place.

A young guy comes out from behind a counter and motions for us to sit at one of the tables. His arm is covered in indecipherable tattoos, and a green apron is tied around his waist. We sit at the table closest to the counter. He wipes the table with a wet rag before dropping three menus in front of us. 

Vera opens one menu and purses her lips, her finger moving slowly from one item to the next. Rita holds the menu upright, hiding her face behind it. I pull the last menu in front of me, but I don’t open it. It’s been only a day since I promised myself not to go to restaurants with Rita, and already I'm caving in. I refuse to eat according to Vera’s schedule and Rita's choice of a restaurant. And I don’t want to hear her chewing food. Besides, something about this place feels off. There is way too much cigarette smoke in the air, and I feel the smell of fried food already clinging to my clothes.

“What are you going to order?” Rita asks Vera after a few minutes.

“I think I’m going to order scrambled eggs and toast,” Vera says.

I would have never guessed. This is not something people order for dinner, even in Israel.

“It’s too late to eat,” she continues. “And everything on the menu has meat in it.”

I believe she means steak, hamburgers, and pork sausages. 

Rita puts down the menu that has shielded her from the world until now and declares, “I’ll order eggs too.”

How can anyone eat eggs, or anything, off this sticky table? It feels so weird here. I can barely breathe with all the smoke and smell of burned oil. I want to get out of here.

“Are you ready to order?” Vera asks me.

“I’m not going to order anything,” I hear myself say. “I’m going to walk back to the room,” my voice adds before I can stop the words from spilling out. 

I honestly don’t know where that came from. I’m supposed to consider how this might affect the rest of the trip. But something inside me decided without asking first.

“Are you sure?” Vera asks, surprised. 

For a moment, I don’t know what to say. I just want to get away. I don’t want to talk about it and create drama. I am not worried about finding my way back. This town feels safe, and it is only a short walk back to the old neighborhood. I assure her that I am fine. 

Rita takes my menu and shoves it under her menu. “She’ll be fine,” she says to Vera.

I leave them in the bar and go out into the street. I'm surprised by how dark it is outside, but it’s not scary. I am relieved to be by myself. I can breathe the crisp air and be out of that suffocating, forsaken bar. The wind bites, but every step I take brings me closer to the warmth of the room I left a few hours ago. I can’t wait to be there again.

A Woman from Brazil (50)

There is not much to do on the balcony except watch the men by the bimah rocking back and forth in prayer, unless I want to pray, which I don’t, and wouldn’t know how to anyway. As if she can read my mind, the woman sitting next to me hands me a siddur after leafing through it and finding the page they are reading from. I don’t know what portion to read, but I take it and thank her quietly. 

I must admit that I never imagined myself sitting in an almost empty synagogue on a Friday night in Portugal. This trip is not a pilgrimage or a search for ancestors and deep meaning. It is embarrassingly mundane. Yet here I am, confronting my unpracticed Jewishness in a town where Jews risked their lives for generations to do the opposite. It’s unsettling. I feel out of place, despite whatever came over me in the room up the street. Prayers don’t move me. Except for the Kaddish and El Maleh Rachamim, the prayers for the dead, which have somehow become embedded in my DNA, most prayers and hymns sound foreign to me, even though they are mostly spoken or sung in Hebrew, albeit in an archaic and liturgical style.

I wonder what the men praying by the bimah think of the three of us, barging into their synagogue in the middle of Shabbat prayers and interrupting the ritual. We didn’t even cover our hair. 

Unfortunately, instead of feeling awe and gratitude, I feel let down. The grand sanctuary with the gold menorahs and lions protecting Aron HaKodesh is the exact opposite of what Belmonte’s hidden Jewish community represents. For five hundred years, these people practiced a religion they barely remembered, in secret and fear, behind thick walls and darkened windows. And now that they can practice openly, they do so with both grandeur and caution. I think simplicity would have been more appropriate. After all, the surviving Jews of the Iberian Peninsula will never be able to compete with the riches of the Church that obliterated their communities.

But who am I to criticize and judge? A secular woman who doesn’t bother to cover her hair inside a synagogue or fast on Yom Kippur. This beautiful sanctuary is a natural response to centuries of oppression—a way to show pride and resilience, not a frivolous display of wealth.  

I want to feel spiritually moved, but I don’t. Maybe it’s too foreign to make an emotional impact. Maybe it’s my lack of preparation and my ignorance. I’ll never know if I don’t delve into it, but at the moment, I am not ready to investigate my soul.

The men down in the sanctuary seem to conclude the prayers. They close their siddurim and place them on a small table. They shake hands and, I surmise, wish each other Shabbat Shalom, even though I can’t hear what they say. They are going to leave the synagogue now and walk home to unite with their families around the Shabbat table. 

“Where are you from?” The woman whispers to me in English as we squeeze our way out between the benches. She has a familiar accent, but I can’t place it. 

I’m not sure what to say. California? America? Israel? Which will be the best answer? Which will prevent the next useless question, Where in Israel, America, or California? 

“California,” I say, even though it excludes Vera. I can let Rita explain the rest, which I’m sure she will. I’ve never noticed it before, but during this trip, she has developed the habit of taking over any conversation I start as soon as she notices I’m speaking to someone, so why bother? 

“And where are you from?” I continue before she can ask me where I live in California.

I wouldn’t ask this question if she hadn’t asked me first. It is not something I do. Mostly because I get that question all the time, and I resent it. Especially when strangers insist on where I’m “really” from.

“Brazil,” she says.

She is not the first Brazilian I’ve met in Portugal, but certainly the first Jewish Brazilian. Otherwise, why would she sit in a synagogue on a Friday night and read from a siddur? 

“We’re going to look for a place to eat,” Rita says when we join her and Vera on the way out. She turns to the Brazilian woman and asks, as if she has known her for years, “You want to go with us?” 

“Thank you, but I have to go home,” the woman says, letting her colorful head cover slide to her shoulders and revealing her long curls.

“Okay,” Rita shrugs and throws a question to all of us: “Any chance we get invited to Shabbat dinner?”

There are two men down in the lobby. I hope they didn’t hear her. I also wish she didn’t say that. But Rita is not the timid type. And she has some reason to think we might be invited. She’s friendly with the wife of our local Chabad rabbi and often attends Shabbat dinner at their community hall, which also doubles as a synagogue—no formal invitation needed. The rabbi welcomes visitors from Israel and locals alike, religious and secular, without judgment or expectations. But here it looks like things are done differently. These people are extremely private, and I don’t see them changing their ways for us.

“No. They don’t do it,” the Brazilian woman whispers.

When we reach the lobby, we stop to thank the men for letting us into the synagogue. The older man, one of the two who met us earlier, wishes us Shabbat Shalom, unsmiling. The younger one, someone we haven’t met yet—a tall guy dressed in jeans and a gray wool sweater, with a shiny white yarmulke on his head—wishes us Shabbat Shalom and asks in French-accented Hebrew, “Are you from Israel?”

“Yes, and California,” Rita answers, then quickly asks if he knows of any café or restaurant nearby that’s still open. I hope she’s not trying to guilt-trip him into inviting us to dinner.

The man doesn’t seem surprised or impressed to meet women from Israel. He’s probably met plenty of Israelis visiting this town to learn about its Jewish history. He might even know Umberto or the people who run Hotel Sinai. But he can’t think of any place to recommend. Instead, he offers to walk with us part of the way and show us how to get downtown, where we might find something open.

The Brazilian woman, whose name we learn is Frida, says she’s also heading downtown and can show us the way, so we invite her to join us. We exit the synagogue and head in the opposite direction from where we came. By now, the temperature has dropped even more, and the air is brutally cold. Wind from the valley cuts across the exposed side of the street, making things worse. We huddle in our scarves and jackets to keep warm, but it’s not much help. We walk in the middle of the road, and the sound of our shoes tapping against the pavement punctuates the silence.

After we pass a couple of poorly lit intersections, our French guide announces that it’s time for him to leave us. He’s going to a Shabbat dinner at a local family’s home—they’re waiting for him to arrive from synagogue. We thank him for showing us the way, though we could have figured it out ourselves. It’s hard to get lost here.

“They rarely invite guests to dinner,” Frida says after he disappears around the corner. “The houses here are small.”

I wonder if she feels left out because she wasn’t invited. She told me earlier that they don’t do it, but this guy made friends here, enough to be invited into their small home.

 

“We have met several Brazilians since we arrived in Portugal, but you’re the first Brazilian Jew,” I say, hoping to distract her from feeling rejected. I don’t know if it would make her feel better, but that’s my intention. 

“I’m not Jewish,” she says.

That’s not what I expected to hear, and I’m a little embarrassed. But she knew what to do in the synagogue, so why wouldn’t I think she was Jewish? I’m not going to apologize, though. Being Jewish isn’t an insult—unless you’re a raging antisemite, which I’m not. Besides, maybe she likes that people think she is Jewish.

“I’m trying to convert to Judaism,” she says, looking at me. “But they make it too difficult.”

“Here, in Belmonte?” I’m not sure I understand who she is talking about, and I want to find out. Luckily, Rita is walking ahead of us with Vera, talking on the phone with someone in Hebrew. There’s a good chance I will hear Frida’s entire story.

Frida nods, hugging herself against the cold. “I came here a year and a half ago for the second time. Even before I came, I’ve been studying Jewish texts, learning to read Hebrew, and going to synagogue. I told them I wanted to convert, but they don’t care. They’re polite, but they keep telling me to be patient. Three years ago, they told me to go back home and think about it. Now it’s still the same.” 

She tells me she became curious about her Jewish roots after taking a DNA test. It said she had Sephardic Jewish ancestry. Not a lot—maybe six or seven percent—but she wasn’t surprised. She always felt she was different. Even before the test, she believed her family descended from the Anusim—Portuguese and Spanish Jews forced to convert to Catholicism. After the test confirmed her suspicion, she began researching her family history and found an ancestor on her mother’s side named Abraão Rodrigues—the Portuguese version of Abraham. He had settled in northern Brazil more than two hundred years ago.

I ask if “Rodrigues” ends with S or Z because these letters can indicate a Jewish origin.

“‘Es’ was the Portuguese Jewish spelling,” she explains. “So I know I have Jewish ancestry here.”

I guess she’s learned something in Belmonte. I used to think Jewish last names ended with a Z. 

I don’t know if I should congratulate her for finding a Jewish ancestor. Being Jewish is complicated, so why pursue it? Jews got killed and persecuted throughout history, from the Spanish Inquisition to Kishinev to the Holocaust. In every place where there were Jews, there were pogroms, so why does she want to be part of this curse? But she is not deterred by history. After discovering Abraão Rodrigues, she joined a Bnei Anusim organization and decided to travel to Portugal and convert to Judaism. Before she knew how hard it would be.

I want to tell her that being Jewish is trouble, but maybe that’s what she wants: to feel special. To belong. To find meaning and a new purpose in life. 

Unfortunately for her, it’s not easy to convert. I know people—men and women—who did it, often because they wanted to marry someone Jewish who insisted they convert. It took them years to accomplish it. Judaism doesn’t proselytize—it’s the opposite of Christianity and Islam. It’s an exclusive club that is not interested in increasing its membership. If you weren’t born Jewish, the rabbis don’t seek your company. And here, in Belmonte, they seem to be even more reluctant. And I can understand them. After five hundred years of secrecy, you have to work hard to prove that you belong, and only then, maybe, will they accept you. 

“I am not ready to give up,” she says, “but they won’t help me.”

I don’t tell her that I am not surprised. Her eagerness seems misplaced, even to a non-rabbi like myself. It’s one thing to apply for a Portuguese passport because of a Jewish ancestor. It’s a whole different story to change your god because of it.