The Blowjob Dilemma (adult content)

I have a colleague who sometimes shares his dating adventures with me. He told me that one of the women he dated was not his type but the sex was great, so he enjoyed it for what it was. I asked him what he meant by great sex. He said, “When a woman makes me scream.”

I found myself pondering his response not only because I was surprised to hear that for at least one man great sex did not mandate certain acrobatics or activities, but because for me great sex meant something completely different. For me, to enjoy sex, three things needed to happen: One, it had to happen when I wanted it, not when my partner wanted it and I did it to avoid silent treatment or an argument. Two, it didn’t hurt. And three, I knew I was not expected to give a blowjob. Because I hate to give blowjobs.

I recently confessed my aversion to blow jobs to some of my women friends and found out that not all women felt the same. One said “When you love the man it’s actually nice.” Another said, “Oh, it’s OK once in a while.” A bisexual woman told me that blowjobs made her feel powerful, that’s why they were so great.

But I was not convinced.

You see, the way I feel about blowjobs is this: I was endowed with a mouth and a throat for the purpose of chewing and swallowing food, drinking fluids, and of course saying what is on my mind – not sucking men genitalia. My mouth is equipped with teeth and my throat with a gag reflex, so shoving an erect penis in there makes absolutely no sense. Besides, I have a vagina, which was specifically designed to host an erect penis and give it as much pleasure as that penis can endure. There are no teeth in there and it won’t make me want to throw up if the man attached to the base of that penis had reached kingdom cum while visiting that end of my body.

The first time I was introduced to the blowjob hall of infamy, I had no idea that climaxing inside my mouth was on the menu. I was only nineteen. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with the warm substance that was deposited in my mouth and I was too shy to ask. So I’ve been wondering since then, what is the blowjob etiquette? Can I ask you how far you are planning to shove your penis down my throat? Do you really expect me to keep my mouth open in that frozen silent scream for several minutes without dislocating my jaw? Are you planning to leave your DNA footprint in my mouth because you like to go with the flow?

You see what I mean?

Unfortunately, this is not what the average mother prepares a girl for when the girl happens to ask how babies come to the world. That is why, when my daughter reached the ripe age of ten, I broke the news to her and told her that she should never let a man force her head onto his crotch under any circumstances. Ever.

If a man feels the need to reaffirm his dominance over you, I told her, make use of any sharp or heavy object in your vicinity to bring him back to his senses and remind him that the universe is so much larger than his penis.   

I can’t count the number of times a big hand was put on the crown of my head and shoved it down to the nether world of unchallenged masculinity. Some men think that it is cool to fuck a woman in the mouth, maybe because they saw too many porn flicks in which women couldn’t wait to swallow a giant penis and defy their gag reflex or ignore the stress signals that their taste buds were sending to their brains. Maybe seeing women giving blowjobs makes men even prouder of their male addendum. What they don’t realize, though, is that these women are actresses and they get paid to do it. But we mortal women, are not inclined to compete against professional blowjob artists for the cherished title.

So I confess, again, that I have zero incentive to involve myself in this unrewarding routine. As I have said, I have a functional vagina and it can do the job just as well.

Come to think of it, men don’t need a woman to give them a blowjob. Men can do it, too, because all you need is a mouth, and every man has one, so why not commission a man to perform this unappetizing feat? A man might even do it better than a woman who has to resort to trial and error because she had never felt the sensations that the male anatomy produce. Men know much better where all the most sensitive spots are located, the amount of pressure that needs to be applied, the correct rhythm, and whatever it takes to send a penis to its predictable finale. But no, straight men would probably not go for it because the best part of getting a blowjob is knowing that the woman you are fucking in the mouth is at your service.

That would probably cancel my next idea: A remote-control, battery-operated, five-speed, toothless, gag-free rubber mouth, framed in bright red silicone lips and accessorized with a tireless velvet tongue. Woman not included.

Because the allure of a blowjob is so powerful, more times than I like to admit I found myself in bed with a man who eventually posed the inevitable question, “So when are you going to suck my dick?” using the euphemistic version, of course, “Don’t you do oral sex?”

  And my answer is “No I don’t.” By which I mean “Not when I have to do it.”

I don’t mind using my tongue to pleasure a man, as one of my gay friends once suggested that I lick it like a Popsicle. But it never ends at that stage. There is always the moment when expectations start to rise, and I know that sooner or later I will have to open my mouth and let that penis slide into it, and I don’t want to do it. Not only because I don’t like the taste or the smell or the size of it, or because it hurts my jaws or makes me want to throw up, but because I don’t know where this penis had been before it landed in my bed, and I really don’t want to find out.

I used to think that I was divorced and single because I didn’t like to suck men’s dicks, but a recent conversation I had with some married women had taught me that not all men demanded it. Some men could love a woman and stay married to her for decades even if she didn’t like to perform this task. I was so surprised to hear that not all men attached their male-pride to the number of blowjobs they received that I nearly regained my optimism.

Then one of my man friends who had many good experiences with women told me that 90 percent of women didn’t like to give blowjobs, which was a true eye-opener. At last, I felt vindicated. I have never dared to share my aversion for blowjobs with anyone. Until that day, I thought something was wrong with me. Because no one I knew dared to be the first to open up and admit that she didn’t like to do it, I assumed that most women treated blowjobs as another chore that had to be done for the sake of the relationships, just like putting away the dinner dishes and taking the laundry out of the drier.

Now I know that just like anything else in life, everybody has a different preference. Some like it, some don’t. I belong to the second group, that’s all. Blowjobs are not my cup of tea. Just like cilantro may not be yours. So don’t take it personally. It’s just not my thing.